There are parts of what is happening that are a little sad, but maybe I should stop myself from thinking that. I think that it's a little sad that Abigail won't grow up with her real mother in the house. I feel still a little surprised, a little shocked that Molly doesn't want to be the mother to this girl, this beautiful girl who doesn't even cry when I'm holding her, even though she's had more time with Molly than she's had with me. It would have been so hard for my boys to sit in the arms of someone new. I remember Louis was so jealous in the beginning because I was not working a job when we had Eddie, I stayed at home with him all the time and so Eddie would cry and scream if Louis tried to hold him. (It's really because Louis didn't know how to hold babies back then, but Louis was convinced it was because Eddie only wanted his mother, and I wasn't going to suggest that wasn't the case.)
I think, there won't be those days when people look at Abigail and say how much she has Molly's eyes, or how her mouth looks so different from Molly's that it probably comes from the man that Molly was with. It's a very serious mouth. It makes Abigail look older than she is, not in a bad way. People won't say these things to her because it's clear that I didn't have her. I think, it's too bad that I don't have those memories of carrying her in me.
But maybe that's okay, because the feelings here are special, too. This isn't something that just happened, like Evan did. I wanted to be Abigail's mother. I thought about it for weeks. So that when Molly hands the pen to me, I don't stop, I don't slow down. Molly already gave her motherhood up, and I don't want Abigail to be without a legal mother for any longer than necessary.
I drop the pen after I sign so that I can keep both hands on Abigail, and I smile at her, I brush the light strands of hair she has, so different than my boys.
"She's really mine?" I ask both Molly and the lawyer, laughing a little under my breath as I kiss Abigail's cheek. She scrunches her face up and tucks her face away in the other direction. "Oh honey, there will be many more of those soon."
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I think, there won't be those days when people look at Abigail and say how much she has Molly's eyes, or how her mouth looks so different from Molly's that it probably comes from the man that Molly was with. It's a very serious mouth. It makes Abigail look older than she is, not in a bad way. People won't say these things to her because it's clear that I didn't have her. I think, it's too bad that I don't have those memories of carrying her in me.
But maybe that's okay, because the feelings here are special, too. This isn't something that just happened, like Evan did. I wanted to be Abigail's mother. I thought about it for weeks. So that when Molly hands the pen to me, I don't stop, I don't slow down. Molly already gave her motherhood up, and I don't want Abigail to be without a legal mother for any longer than necessary.
I drop the pen after I sign so that I can keep both hands on Abigail, and I smile at her, I brush the light strands of hair she has, so different than my boys.
"She's really mine?" I ask both Molly and the lawyer, laughing a little under my breath as I kiss Abigail's cheek. She scrunches her face up and tucks her face away in the other direction. "Oh honey, there will be many more of those soon."