losttheright | (no subject)

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russell clank

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A few days after New Year's, things go back to normal.

Well, for a given value of the word, anyway. There aren't animals roaming the city, out for blood anymore; she can go to and from work without worrying that she's about to get attacked by something. She might even be able to start getting more than a few hours of sleep every night. Actually normal, though, is still the long way off. Her boss is still in the hospital, and though he'll be fine physically, hasn't been taking well emotionally to the loss of his eye. Two out of six city council members are dead. It's going to be a long time before things are functioning the way they used to, and Molly is acutely aware of it, unbelievably fucking exhausted, barely able to wrap her head around everything going on. She can focus on work while she's doing it, but that's about all she can do, or, at least, all she's been able to do before now. Things are starting to settle. The most they can do from here is try to pick up the pieces.

Part of doing so is thinking ahead, now that she can. Both Phyllis and Amit's funerals will be next week, and as much as she can't stand the thought of it, there's not really any way she can get out of being there for both. And with both in such quick succession, no matter how awful she feels for considering it, she probably can't get away with wearing the same dress to both. Being at least pretty sure that it's safe now, she goes to the mall after work with that in mind, trying to ignore the way her stomach turns. She hates funerals, inevitably winds up thinking about what hers must have been like when the subject comes up, which doesn't help matters any when the deaths themselves are so upsetting. Phyllis had a family, kids who'll grow up now without their mother. Amit may have been kind of a douchebag, but he was smart, and five fucking years younger than her. Regardless, no one deserves to go like that anyway.

She's just headed inside, trying to figure out where she should start looking for a dress, when her phone goes off in her pocket, and the message on the screen makes her go pale. Orrin Fillby has been found dead on the floor of his apartment, the side of his neck bitten out by his myna bird the night before. No one thought to look before now. The very idea of it is so fucked up that for a moment all she can do is stand there, stunned, not even realizing that she's frozen in the middle of a shopping mall.

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"Lee doesn't know," Russell echoes and on some levels, it doesn't surprise him much. It's not like he goes around telling everyone the things he did in Ogden Marsh. But at the same time he'd sort of figured they'd gotten there already. The place they'd have to be to tell each other the deep, dark secrets.

Maybe this one is just too deep. He'd understand that, too.

"Well, you know if you do ever wanna talk about that shit, all you gotta do is call. Katie'll understand." Katie's just about the most understanding person in the world and Russell tries not to take advantage of that, but it's different when it comes to friends and their needs.

"The two of you are the only people who do know," Molly says, with a small, bittersweet sort of smile. "About all of that. Lee... knows a lot of shit about me, he knows about everything that happened with Patrick, but this..." Trailing off, she shrugs, the movement slight, a little helpless. "I don't know how I'd bring that up. Like, what would I even say? 'Oh, by the way, I killed myself back home, but I'm not suicidal, I just wanted to avoid having my life ruined by a scandal'? That's a lot of ground to cover at once."

It's not like she wouldn't tell him, if he asked, but with no reason for him to ask, she's not sure why it would ever come up. That may well be for the best. She doesn't want him to start looking at her like she's dead here, too.

"Yeah," Russell says, falling silent for a moment as he mulls that over. Molly has a good point, it's not like it's the easiest thing to bring up when there's not really any pressing reason to spill the beans. But at the same time, he's always had a tough time keeping secrets from people who are that close to him. Katie and Molly both know pretty much everything there is to know about his life and his past, and he likes to think he would have told them either way, even if he hadn't gotten sick here in Darrow, too.

"Yeah, I get that," he says. "You never know how a person might react, too, and I guess that's the scariest part of all of it, huh? The not knowing."

"Yeah," Molly says on an exhale, the same small, crooked smile staying in place despite the subject at hand. Russell, she knows, wouldn't and doesn't judge her for any of what she's done in the past, and that makes it easier not to get too weighed down by it now, to speak in simple facts instead of dancing around subjects or trying to pretend like things were different than was actually the case. "It's not like all of that speaks very highly of me. I mean... I think he has to have pieced together some of it. When he told me he was married, I told him I'd known for ages like it wasn't any big deal. But me not having a problem sleeping with married guys is just the tip of that iceberg."

Bad shit happens to people, that's what Russell has learned. They make bad, snap decisions or something beyond their control changes their life and all they can do is forgive each other when there's no real malice behind the actions. Molly and Katie have both forgiven him more than he could ever possibly deserve and he hopes Lee would do the same for Molly.

What happened to her isn't the same as what Russell had done. She deserves a hell of a lot more than he does. He hopes Lee knows that.

"I guess... I mean, shit, it's not like he needs to know every last detail if you don't wanna tell him. Our past might inform our decisions, but it's not the only thing that matters."

"No," Molly says, shaking her head, "it isn't. At least, I hope it's not. Otherwise I'm pretty screwed." The last, she says with a crooked grin, not as bothered by the possibility of that as she once was. The longer she's here, though, the further behind her all of that actually seems. All she can do is make the most of what she has now, and nearly four years after the fact, she doesn't think she's done too badly in that regard. She's got an actual life now, the kind she thought she'd never get when she ended everything. "I guess maybe I'll get around to it one day. I think there are things he's the same about, though. Like I said, we'd been together for months before he told me he was married."

"Was married or still is married? I mean, hell, it's not like it matters here, right? Once you're here for a long enough time, you gotta figure yourself more or less broken up, right?"

It has to suck for people who don't want be broken up, people who are still in love with whoever they left behind. Not for the first time, Russell's pretty glad he'd never had a chance to develop a relationship like that. Katie's not the first relationship he's ever had, but she's the first to really mean something to him.

"Yeah, I'd say so," Molly says, shrugging, that not being something that's ever made much difference to her one way or another. "And I guess he was? They were technically still married at home, but they were separated, so... I didn't really ask any more about it than that." Even if that hadn't been the case, it wouldn't have changed very much for her, after all. The important thing for her is knowing where they stand. If he'd turned out to be still committed to his wife, it would have sucked, sure, but she would just have reconsidered what they are to each other. It's not like being with a married man is anything new for her. "He told me I had nothing to worry about, and I'm not worried."

Russell may not know Lee all that well, but what he's learned of the guy he really does like. He seems to care about Molly a lot and Russell doesn't imagine that he'll hurt her and that counts for a hell of a lot where he's concerned.

"Yeah, he seems like a pretty trustworthy guy," he agrees, giving her a gentle nudge with his elbow and a grin. "I mean, hell, if you and Katie forgave me for... for all that shit, then I figure Lee deserves some trust when it comes to someone who's not even here, right?" He doesn't talk about it much, all that happened when he was sick, but sometimes he needs to bring it up. Sometimes he needs to remind himself to always be careful.

"Honestly, I'm pretty sure as long as he doesn't try to kill me, we'll be okay," Molly says with a grin and a shrug, though in spite of the teasing sound of her voice, it isn't too far from the truth. She's never been big on relationships; if anything, when they've happened, she's been the one less serious about them. That isn't the case now, not by a long shot, but the important thing for her is knowing where they stand. Even if he were still committed to his wife, she wouldn't have a problem continuing as they have been, as long as she knew that was the case. She believes Lee that it isn't, though, and she can't pretend that she's not glad for it, when she's never felt about anyone the way she does about him. "So yeah, of course. I couldn't have been with him in the first place if I didn't trust him."

If he were to try something like that, Russell is pretty sure he wouldn't be able to contain himself. Not that he'd really tried all that hard with Bateman, but given that the man had already been dead, there hadn't been a hell of a lot for Russell to do. He had wanted to kill him, though, and if someone else hadn't already gotten there first, he's not sure he would have been able to stop himself.

But Russell's been on high alert with Molly ever since then and he'd been careful about Lee when they had first met. Nothing about the guy suggests he'd ever do something like that and Russell knows he can't just distrust everyone because of that incident.

"I'm glad," he says. "That you got someone like that, someone you can trust."

"God, it's fucking weird, right?" Molly asks with a sudden laugh, a little sharper thane necessary, shaking her head. "I never thought I'd wind up in a relationship like this. Not for another five years at least." She'd always figured she would settle down one day, but not for a long time yet. She certainly hadn't figured she'd be where she is now, nor had she thought, when she first hooked up with Lee, that they would wind up here. There are times she still can't wrap her head around it, but as strange as it's been, she can't pretend she hasn't enjoyed it. Somehow it just makes sense. "But then I guess... All that shit happened, and it kind of changed what I was looking for."

"Yeah," Russell agrees and he's thinking of Bateman a little, but he's also thinking of what had happened back home, how that had sort of changed everything. Before his hometown had been destroyed, Russell had never given much consideration to what he wanted out of life or how he was going to get it. Until then, he'd just been content with going along, doing his job, heading home and watching TV until he fell asleep. He'd been happy, but it hadn't been anything exceptional.

"It's kinda nuts, how sometimes it takes somethin' huge like that to really change the way we're lookin' at things, right?" he asks, shaking his head as he gestures at a restaurant, which seems as good a place as any to grab a beer.

"Yeah, here looks good," Molly says with a nod, opening the door even as she continues. Without getting into specifics, it's not anything she has a problem talking about here, and with Russell, she thinks he'll know what she means without the details being necessary. They've both been through a lot of shit in the time they've known each other. Things like that are impossible to forget. As it is, she doesn't talk much about it anyway, Russell one of very few people actually aware of the extent of what happened that night. "And I know, right? It's completely crazy. And at the same time... Of course I wouldn't be able to go back to the way things were. Or want to."

There are times when Russell wants nothing more than to take back the things he'd done while he was sick, both here and in Ogden Marsh, but he knows he can't. There's no way to undo the past, nothing to be done that can take it all back, but he would if he could. If there was a way to undo the way he'd hurt Molly and Katie both, he'd do it in a second.

They've both forgiven him for it and he doesn't know why. He has no idea what he's done to deserve that sort of care, but they've given it to him and he knows how lucky he is to have it.

"It'd be nice if I could undo that whole virus," he admits as they're led to a booth. "I'm here and I'm safe, but sometimes I remember my whole town is gone."

"Yeah," Molly says on an exhale, nodding once she's taken a seat in the booth they've been taken to. "I'd undo everything back home, too." With the circumstances being what they were, she can't see herself having any other choices for any of it, certain even now that, even having been wrong, she did what made sense at the time. That doesn't mean she wouldn't take it all back if she could, starting with the night she slept with Mike Morris in the first place. She knows they share the blame for that, and if that one night had been the end of it, that wouldn't have mattered anyway. With all the trouble that stemmed from it, though, and what she put herself through, it's easy to say that it wasn't worth it. He wasn't that good. "Probably wouldn't be as settled here if I could, but I still would."

"Yeah, I guess it'd change how things are now," he agrees, frowning faintly as he considers that. Everything in Darrow is good, really good and there's nothing in the world he would want in exchange for that. Being able to be here and live and be with Katie and have Jamie, that's all worth the pain of remembering his entire life back home is just gone.

"It's shit, though, that sometimes the fucked up things have to happen to make room for the good things," he says.

"Isn't it, though? Like, what the fuck?" Molly asks, and though she's laughing as she does, it's undeniably true, and hard to discern what might be worth it for that reason. There's a lot of shit she's been through that she would instinctively want to undo if she could, and yet at the same time, she doesn't know where she would wind up for it if that were possible. It doesn't make the bad stuff any easier to cope with, but it makes it a lot harder to resent or regret anything. "But at least we are where we are now."

"A weird ass city where animals go nuts?" Russell asks, looking amused, although he knows he wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Ogden Marsh is gone anyway, there's nothing left for him at home, and while he misses David and Judy all the time, while he wonders if they made it out and how they're doing if they did, he also knows he'd never be willing to give up what he has here.

"Nah, you're right. It's kinda crazy how much shit has changed," he says. "And nutty animals or not, I'd rather be here than anywhere else."

"Yeah, I mean, sometimes it involves putting up with weird shit," Molly says with a shrug, still clearly amused in turn. "But it's usually worth it." For her, at least, it's a hell of a lot better than having nothing at all, or being out of her mind with wanting to go home. As far as she's concerned, everything else is a small price to pay for what she's gotten in return, at least so far. The jury's still out on what's going to come next, but whatever does, she isn't just going to sit around scared of it. "But at least we've made it through all of that so far."

"Yeah, and that's not gonna change," Russell says. Given the shit they've both been through, the awful things they've seen, the things they've had to suffer through and survive, he's got no doubt he and Molly and Katie are some of the strongest people here. Everyone suffers, everyone's seen terrible shit, and he knows he's biased, but that's never going to change his mind. They've gotten this far, they can do anything.

"Besides, between the three of us and all the shit we know how to do, I think we're primed for any situation thrown our way," he adds, grinning. "Guess Lee's probably pretty useful to have around, too."

"Yeah, I guess he is," Molly says, just the slightest bit sheepish, her head falling to the side. For the most part, that hasn't really come into play at all. Things have been normal, and given what the alternative has usually been for her in this place, she relishes that lack of excitement. She gets the impression that the same is true for him. Still, there's a certain kind of comfort in knowing that next time things get fucking crazy around here, she'll have him on her side. It helps, too, that it means he understands some of that shit. "So that's good. Between all of us, we'll have everything covered."

"Except all the regular life shit, like bein' a dad," Russell says, his eyes widening a little before he laughs. "Trust me, I sure as shit don't have that covered."

It's not that he thinks he's bad at it, he knows Katie wouldn't have agreed to let him officially adopt Jamie if he were and he doubts she'd want to marry him, but at the same time he knows what he's doing now is a pretty big deal. He has to help raise a little person and make him into a good, functional human being.

"Yeah, but you will," Molly says, one shoulder lifting in an easy shrug. "I don't think anyone has that covered right away. And you've obviously been doing fine so far." It speaks for itself, really, in where he and Katie are, when she's got Jamie to think about, too. Molly knows her well enough by now to know that she'd only make decisions with Jamie's best interests in mind, and knows Russell well enough to know that he's probably not giving himself enough credit anyway. "Seriously, Jamie's a lucky kid."

"Well, I haven't fucked it up too bad yet," he agrees with a laugh, rubbing his hand over his face before he shakes his head. "Y'know it's all official now, right? We signed all the paperwork so that he's... y'know mine."

It's crazy to think about. Amazing and scary and just plain crazy, but he loves it.

"It doesn't really feel any different, but it's good knowin' the law isn't gonna get in our way on anything," he says. "If somethin' were to happen, they can call me, too."