Molly Stearns (
losttheright) wrote2012-04-21 08:10 am
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you're not the answer I should know
She doesn't sleep.
Not even for any lack of trying, at least at first, though she suspects a different girl, a more sentimental one, might have stayed awake on purpose, trying to commit every detail to memory in case this winds up being a one-time occurrence. (She's already done that.) Instead, it's hours, or at least it feels like it, that she lies with her head on Stephen's chest, waiting to drift off, never quite letting herself manage it. Eventually, it becomes too futile, and Molly gives up. At least sleeplessness is nicer here, wearing his shirt and with Stephen warm beside her than in her own empty apartment, which she knows from experience after the couple of weeks she's spent here. This isn't anything new. She thinks, though, that what she knows now might just make it worse. Hating Stephen was never easy, but everything else was easier when she thought she'd done what she needed to. Being dead wouldn't have been quite as terrible then. Now, knowing it was for nothing, it's practically fucking unbearable, especially now that she doesn't have Stephen fucking her to distract her from all those uncomfortable truths. All she has is this, whatever that even is, some fragile thing that she can hold onto in the dark but that she's not sure will last until morning. At least she got this, her answers and one pretty great night, but it's only here in the quiet of Stephen's apartment that she thinks that might be disappointing. She'd never want anything more than this, but she thinks she could get used to it even so.
It's for that reason that she considers leaving when the first rays of sunlight filter through his bedroom window. It would be simpler, God knows, easier than waiting for him to ask her to leave, and it's not like he couldn't find her if he wanted to do this again sometime. She thinks she made pretty obvious last night that she's willing enough to put their past behind them to be with him. In the end, though, that's not a risk she can take, and not just because his chest feels too good under her head for her to care to move. If he misinterpreted that, took it as a sign that she'd changed her mind, the fault would be hers, and having underestimated Stephen once, she has no desire to fuck things up again. He came through for her once before, albeit too late. He could prove her wrong now, too.
All there is to do, then, is wait, excruciating as that is, as the sun comes up, to see what he'll do, if he'll write this off as a mistake or if they might have made their peace after all. That, and to hope, but Molly doesn't want to admit that, even to herself.
When he finally does start to wake up, she can tell, feels it by the change in his breathing, but she doesn't do anything, just stays curled against him with her eyes still shut. It's a cheap trick, maybe, but she won't have to keep it up for long. She just wants to see what he does first, too certain of what she wants and of the fact that she shouldn't want it to make the first move herself.
Not even for any lack of trying, at least at first, though she suspects a different girl, a more sentimental one, might have stayed awake on purpose, trying to commit every detail to memory in case this winds up being a one-time occurrence. (She's already done that.) Instead, it's hours, or at least it feels like it, that she lies with her head on Stephen's chest, waiting to drift off, never quite letting herself manage it. Eventually, it becomes too futile, and Molly gives up. At least sleeplessness is nicer here, wearing his shirt and with Stephen warm beside her than in her own empty apartment, which she knows from experience after the couple of weeks she's spent here. This isn't anything new. She thinks, though, that what she knows now might just make it worse. Hating Stephen was never easy, but everything else was easier when she thought she'd done what she needed to. Being dead wouldn't have been quite as terrible then. Now, knowing it was for nothing, it's practically fucking unbearable, especially now that she doesn't have Stephen fucking her to distract her from all those uncomfortable truths. All she has is this, whatever that even is, some fragile thing that she can hold onto in the dark but that she's not sure will last until morning. At least she got this, her answers and one pretty great night, but it's only here in the quiet of Stephen's apartment that she thinks that might be disappointing. She'd never want anything more than this, but she thinks she could get used to it even so.
It's for that reason that she considers leaving when the first rays of sunlight filter through his bedroom window. It would be simpler, God knows, easier than waiting for him to ask her to leave, and it's not like he couldn't find her if he wanted to do this again sometime. She thinks she made pretty obvious last night that she's willing enough to put their past behind them to be with him. In the end, though, that's not a risk she can take, and not just because his chest feels too good under her head for her to care to move. If he misinterpreted that, took it as a sign that she'd changed her mind, the fault would be hers, and having underestimated Stephen once, she has no desire to fuck things up again. He came through for her once before, albeit too late. He could prove her wrong now, too.
All there is to do, then, is wait, excruciating as that is, as the sun comes up, to see what he'll do, if he'll write this off as a mistake or if they might have made their peace after all. That, and to hope, but Molly doesn't want to admit that, even to herself.
When he finally does start to wake up, she can tell, feels it by the change in his breathing, but she doesn't do anything, just stays curled against him with her eyes still shut. It's a cheap trick, maybe, but she won't have to keep it up for long. She just wants to see what he does first, too certain of what she wants and of the fact that she shouldn't want it to make the first move herself.
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Half-asleep, he hardly remembers why this was supposed to be a bad idea. As pleasant as it is, though, he isn't one to linger in bed, sentimental, and it isn't long before he pushes himself to get up. He doesn't want to wake her, but he should be up and about, maybe make some coffee for them. Easing slowly out from under her, he leans down to press a kiss to her hair first, a drowsy temptation he doesn't think to resist.
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"Mm, I'm awake," she murmurs like it's a protest, muffled and drowsy, her head slumping against his pillow against her will even as she opens her eyes to get a look at him. If there's one benefit to a distinct lack of sleep, it's that it has roughly the same effect as being woken up. Though she doesn't think she'd lie if he asked, she still doesn't want him to know right off that she's been awake this whole time. "It's early, isn't it?"
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"I was gonna make some coffee," he says. "You want some?"
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Just as strange is the fact that he doesn't seem to be running off anywhere, no meetings or whatever. Then again, she's not even sure where he would be going or who he would be meeting with, not yet having even asked what he's been doing with himself since he got here. They got sidetracked before that, something she doesn't regret half as much as she probably should. This is Stephen, though; he's bound to be doing fucking something. It's a strangely warming thought, confirming what she's believed since she showed up here — that someone would need to try to make some kind of order in this place. No matter how much he's fucked up, she can't think of anyone better for it. "Coffee sounds great. You mean you're not in a hurry?"
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"Not right this minute," he says, reaching for a wrinkled shirt to put on, though he doesn't trouble finding anything to pull over his boxers. It's not like he's going anywhere yet. It doesn't sit well with him, not having a full schedule, and the few weeks he's been here haven't been nearly enough to put him at ease with that, but he's doing what he can to make sure that changes soon. In the meanwhile, it's not like it's her fault he's been working non-stop for the last fifteen years and isn't really sure how the fuck he's supposed to cope with staying still. "It's not like I have meetings around here yet. I mean, I got stuff to do, but... uh, no. I'm not in a hurry."
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It's nice, though, too, and while ordinarily she'd be a little better at hiding that, right now, still something like half-asleep, she can't help but smile as she watches him, fond, teeth pressing to her lower lip. That he can do this to her, stir up some unnameable emotion, is completely fucking unfair, but it's hard to mind right now, with how startlingly comfortable this is. Groaning faintly as she sits up, she stretches her neck, her arms, but doesn't yet move from the bed. "What sort of stuff? I don't even know what you've been doing around here."
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It may only be provisionary, since he wants to think they'll find a way out of here soon. He's told a few people they would, mostly scared, uncertain teenagers, and he doesn't want to be wrong and he doesn't want to be here when there's a whole fucking campaign back home to be finished and won. There's no telling, though, how long that will really take, and if it proves to be a long time, then they need this even more.
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Finally swinging her legs over the side of the bed to stand up, she fights off the impulse to cross to him, curl her fingers in his shirt and kiss him, try to coax him back to bed. She doesn't know enough yet for that, and she doesn't want to be that presumptuous and fuck everything up. Between the two of them, there's been enough of that already. "I've been wondering when someone would," she says instead, thoughtful, pleased, if a little self-conscious, her nose wrinkling. "That was one of the first things I said when I showed up, that we'd need something like that around here. You know when it's gonna be yet?"
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That she all but perks up when he mentions it makes him optimistic, too, although he hardly needs encouragement to be excited about this. They're literally building a governing body from the ground up, the kind of thing he would never have dreamed of doing only because it would never have occurred to him they might have a chance to. It's a real chance to make something, to do some really worthwhile work he knows will legitimately affect people. "There's no way we can continue the way things are going," he says, heading closer to her. He remembers vaguely having offered coffee, but this matters more. "And if no one else is gonna step forward... You'll be there, right? You'll come to the meeting."
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The trouble is, the fact that she has to keep telling herself that is pretty vivid proof of the fact that she'd like to do more. She can't pretend like the idea doesn't hold a hell of a lot of appeal, getting to be a part of something in the early days like this, really make a difference. For that matter, she likewise can't pretend that she doesn't like the way he's asked, like he legitimately wants her there, even if she suspects it's just because he'd want as many people there as possible, that it has little to do with her. That's not the point, or it doesn't have to be.
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Of course, then again, she's here with him now, so that may be overly optimistic.
"There's like one other person here who knows anything about politics," he says. "She runs a parks and rec division in the middle of Indiana. It's pretty much you and me, from the ground up. It would be very stupid to miss an opportunity like that, yes."
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"Stephen..." Trailing off, she runs a hand back through her hair, shoulders lifting in a halfhearted shrug. She can't just agree, but she can't just decline, either, not when she knows how right he is. It would be phenomenally fucking stupid to let a chance like this pass her by, the only one she knows she'll ever get, almost as stupid as it would be to go work for someone who fucked her over before, and whom she'd really like to continue fucking in the future. (It shouldn't sound so good, the way he says you and me, like they're anything at all. That much, at least, she manages to ignore.) "You do remember what happened before, right?" she asks simply, as close as she'll get to talking about the way everything ended, pressing on without waiting for a response. She knows he does, doesn't need to hear him say it. That's not the point; there's no reason to get into that. "I'm not... I was gonna be done with all that. Why would I go running back into it now?"
Because someone has to, she thinks, and because, past mistakes aside, she does know a hell of a lot about it, and because if they really are the only two for whom that's the case, then it would be fucking selfish of her not to because of some bullshit reason like having fucked her boss and almost gotten sold out for it before. She's not sure she has that in her. It's about something bigger than that, even in a city of only forty people. Someone has to do something for all of them to survive, and however smart Stephen may be, she doubts one man could do it on his own. There's only one answer she can give him to the question he hasn't asked, and it's written all over her face, even as she waits for him to say something. Her own question isn't one she really needs a response to, but it isn't what she means, either. What she really wants to know is why he would want her to, and she thinks that's probably apparent, too.
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Stephen could probably come up with a dozen reasons easy all on his own why Molly wouldn't want to be a part of this, why she would choose to stay as far away as possible. Not one of them trumps the reasons why she would. He moves closer, back to stand at the edge of the bed, near her without being too much in her space yet.
"I mean, give me one good reason," he says, "'cause I can't think of any. You didn't want to leave politics. It was circumstances, Molly, and this — this is different. No one here knows about any of that. It's a fresh start. The mistakes don't count anymore. The rules have changed. Fuck, we get to make the rules. A government from the ground up, it's a — a once in a lifetime chance. Less than that, it doesn't happen. I mean, this is... immediate impact. This is really doing something." Just thinking about it is embarrassingly exciting. Before he knew what happened between the Governor and Molly, Morris was the best chance he'd had at real hope in years, the first reminder in a long time of the idealism he possesses, but this here, this is why Stephen got into politics to begin with. "But I mean, if you've got a good reason why you shouldn't, by all means, I'll figure it out."
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Besides, untrue or not, she likes hearing him say it, because she knows he's got to at least mean it a little. There's nothing obligating him to her here (there never was in the first place, and he tried anyway), the offer not one he would have had to extend to her if he didn't legitimately want her involved, and beyond that just being flattering, it's kind of inspiring, too. She's never been short on confidence, even beyond her looks and her ability in bed, but with as epically as she got everything wrong before, it's nice to hear from someone else — someone as good as Stephen, no less, who knows about all of it — that she could still be good for this. God knows she wants to be.
"I..." she starts, shrugging helplessly as she bites her lip. "I'll think about it. Okay? And either way, I'll definitely be there." She doubts she's fooling him for a second when she doesn't believe it herself, but she needs to at least try to regain some common sense before she goes into this, working with the one person here she knows she shouldn't trust. Everything about it is a bad idea, but that's still not enough to keep her away, all the more for the fact that it's him.
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"Okay," he says. "Long as you'll be there. Come on, I never put that coffee on." He thinks about holding out a hand to her, but he doesn't. The gesture is too intimate somehow, even after everything else, for him to safely chance it now.
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Instead, she just starts towards his kitchen, glancing at him intermittently all the while. Though only in his shirt and her underwear, she doesn't see any sense in going for her clothes first; it seems a gesture too equated with leaving, and she doesn't want him to think she's in any kind of hurry to go. Besides, it's not that much of a view like this, or like she'd care even if it were. "But yes. Coffee," she says, almost a laugh. "God knows I could use it."
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As he sets up a fresh pot, he glances over at her, the other thing making a big damn difference. If nothing else, at least she has a shot here. It doesn't absolve him of guilt, it doesn't fix things, but it makes them a little more like how they should be. There's something about her, too, walking around in his shirt, perfectly at home. It's a little daunting, but he likes it, likes the level of comfort she's willing to show with him now. It's a start.
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Leaning sideways against his counter, she stifles a yawn against her shoulder, watching him through half-lidded eyes. Even on her feet, she's still contentedly drowsy, enough to make how easy this is a little less surprising. It's not what they were or even what she thinks they could have been if everything hadn't gone so horribly wrong, but she thinks that helps. They can't change the past. They can just keep going. For now, that feels startlingly right. "Guess it's a good thing there's coffee to be had at all."
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With the coffee slowly dripping into the pot, he heads over to her side, huffing out a near-silent laugh at how she looks, half-asleep against his counter. There's an element of smugness in his amusement, knowing he kept her up late, but mostly, he just likes her like this, even if he has to fight off the memory of the last time she looked this way, wearing his shirt. He'd kiss her, but he's not sure they're there.
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It's too early to think about most of that, though, when there will be time for it later. Besides, even like this, Stephen is distracting, not even the fact that she's still standing here waiting for coffee to finish brewing enough to ward off the uncertainty she feels around him, not knowing what's going to happen next or what he wants. She smiles up at him anyway, warm if faintly confused. "What?" she asks. Something about the way he looks at her, she can't figure out, though she's not sure that isn't because she won't let herself, not wanting to read too far into anything and get her hopes up only to have to admit to being disappointed later. It's not like she's looking for anything here. She just likes this, and isn't willing to let it go just yet.
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Whatever this is or isn't, he doesn't know. He's still in no position to be in a relationship, not ready to leap back into that mess or taken on something serious when there's work to be done here, but then, he doubts she wants one anyway, and with good reason. Neither of them is there, but she doesn't seem in a hurry to leave or to take him to task again as she did last night, so as far as he figures, the old rules are back in play, same as things were before they changed. Sometimes he can't tell if he's spinning shit even for himself, but it doesn't matter. He gives in after a moment, leaning over to kiss her with a hand at her waist.
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Humming against his mouth, she tips her head up, one hand curling in the front of his shirt as she leans into the kiss, soft but still intent on making the most of it. It's only a moment, though, before she draws back, nearly laughing, more fond than she'd usually let herself be. "Your breath is terrible," she tells him, before kissing him again anyway, because she can. "But I, uh, I'll try to take that as a compliment. Cute? Really?"
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It's pretty shamelessly fishing for compliments, but at least she's aware of it. Last night was proof enough of what he thinks of her, anyway, and more importantly, that he can't get enough of her. They're better off keeping things light for now, familiar, if only to keep from getting too serious.
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"Shameless," he says. "I didn't say I'd call you something else, just that I'd take it back."
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