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lee adama

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This isn't supposed to be happening.

In the past, she's fucked up and she knows it. She hasn't been quite as careful as she could have, she's slept with the wrong people, she's put herself in all sorts of situations that she probably should have thought through better. Lately, though, this past year and change, that hasn't been the case. For the first time in her life, she's done things by the book, so to speak, got a boyfriend, moved in together, fallen into a steady routine, actually fucking fallen in love. They haven't exactly talked a lot about where they're going to go from here, but she hasn't seen any need to. What they have is already more serious — and conventional — than any relationship she's been in before, and it works for them. Like with most things, she's just taken it as it comes. Now, Molly isn't so sure that's going to be an option anymore.

She isn't sure of anything, really, except her own uncertainty and panic, which puts her potentially even worse off than she was the first time she was in this position. Then, the decision had been made for her the second she found out, no matter how difficult it might have been for her. It wouldn't have been complicated at all if it hadn't been for what turned out to be exactly the wrong person finding out. This time, there's someone else in the equation, and her history might dictate what her choices are here.

That's about as far as Molly has managed to consider anything, though, when all of this has taken place so suddenly. The test she'd gone out to buy on her lunch break had only been to rule the possibility of being pregnant out, to get the lingering thought out of the back of her head and convince herself that being late was just due to stress. She hadn't actually expected a positive result. Everything since then has been a bit of a blur: leaving work early claiming to be sick, taking a couple more tests just to be sure, then making a last-minute appointment to see a doctor, just to be sure. But although she still has to wait on the results of a blood test, there's enough pointing towards the same thing that she knows there's no real way around it, no sense in holding out hope.

Maybe if it weren't for what happened before, the shit in her past that she hasn't told Lee about, this might not seem like quite such an awful thing. Where once she'd thought that, one day, she would settle down and have a family, though, in the time since she's been here, she hasn't known if she'd be able to do that at all anymore. Even if she did, she wouldn't have picked now. There's no getting around it, though, and so, when she gets back to the apartment, only a little later than she normally would have, she doesn't waste time, certain she wouldn't have been able to convincingly pretend like everything is okay anyway. She just takes a deep breath and walks inside, looking about as worried as she feels.

"Hey," she says, relieved at least that Lee is back already and she doesn't just have to sit around with all of this in her head. "Are you busy? I kind of need to talk to you."

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Molly's a little late coming home, but that's not unusual these days. What with all that happened on New Year's Eve and the city going frakking crazy in the week after it, she's been more stressed than normal and working long hours. As for Lee, school is gearing up again with the holidays behind them, so he's found himself busier than he's been the past few weeks. And mostly, he's regretting having taken a break from reading over the break, because now he's behind.

Immersed in assigned reading when Molly comes home, he doesn't look up when he hears her key in the door, hoping he can get through another hundred pages before he needs to go to bed. Molly gets his attention when she greets him with something other than what's normal, though, and there's something in her voice that he can't quite put his finger on.

"I can spare a minute," he says, and he sets his book down on the coffee table, on top of a stack that's probably half his and half hers, "What's going on?"

Just the sound of Lee's voice makes Molly feel a little like she's about to lose it already, and she has to pause for a moment to try to pull herself together, pushing her hands back through her hair as she lets out a heavy exhale. They've had a good thing going here for a long time now, and chances are, she's about to ruin it completely. She doesn't think she could be blamed for not wanting to rush into that. None of this, though, is anything she can pretend away, no matter how much she wants to. If taking back what she's already said and carrying on like there's nothing wrong were an option, she'd take it. There's just no getting around it. Whatever comes next, he has to know.

"I think it's gonna take more than a minute," she says as she makes her way to the couch, already sounding apologetic. When she takes a seat, it's with enough distance that she's not touching him, instead wringing her hands in her lap, gaze fixed on them. "But I found something out today, and I think you might freak out, but... I have to tell you about it."

Considering what's been going on at City Hall lately, or at least what Molly's been able to tell him, that it has to do with her job is the first thing Lee thinks. Something big enough, and he would have heard by now, on the news, so it can't be as serious as it gets, but still, there's no mistaking Molly's tone.

"Okay," he says, and he's bracing himself for whatever this is, thinking that this must be how Molly felt that night he finally told her about Dee, "I'm all ears."

There are, really, two ways to do this. She could talk around the subject for a while, make all sorts of explanations and excuses and clarifications before she gets around to actually telling him what she needs to and risk making this more confusing in the process, or she could just come right out with it, something that's decidedly more difficult. Which would be better here, Molly has no way of knowing, but then, she supposes it probably doesn't make very much difference. The message is the same either way, and the impact it has will be, too. She might as well, then, just get it over with.

Still, it takes her a few seconds to work up to saying anything at all, and she still isn't looking at him when she does. "Lee, I'm pregnant," she tells him, feeling like she's about to be sick the second the words have left her mouth. She's been here before, had to deliver this exact same news, but it was different then. She already knew what she was going to do about it, she just needed the money for that, and perhaps more significantly, Mike Morris didn't mean anything to her, not like Lee does. Their reputations and careers were on the line, which was damaging enough, but it wasn't personal. With Lee, she has something she really doesn't want to lose.

She's pretty sure, though, that in a way, she already has. Whatever happens now, this is never going to be what it was, which just makes the position she's in now that much harder.

There's a moment where Lee isn't sure he's heard her right. It's a conversation he's had before, a long time ago, before the attack on the Colonies, but that seems a lifetime ago. On a balcony on Caprica, he and Gianne had had the same conversation. The whole thing had felt like his worst fears literally come to life, and now, with a feeling of dread rapidly growing in the pit of his stomach, this feels like something similar.

"What?" Lee asks, unable to process it. It's not the kind of thing he thinks Molly would joke about, and even if it was, her voice just now and the way she looks at him let him know that's not the case, not at all.

"Are... are you sure? How did...?"

He'd been bracing himself for whatever it was Molly had to tell him, but this isn't something that ever crossed his mind until now.

His reaction isn't exactly a reassuring one, but then, at least it's far from the worst it could have been. Right now, Molly has to be willing to take what she can get, and though there are few ways to spin this positively, she keeps trying to tell herself that no matter how much it might feel like it is, it's not the total end of the world, or at least it doesn't have to be. Hell, if anything, something like this is preferable to him laughing and smiling and telling her that's great news. That, she doesn't know how she could have reacted to. She has enough to feel guilty about as it is without adding not being excited about this to the list, though she has a feeling it will still wind up there eventually.

She's not sure, really, which one is worse: ending an unwanted pregnancy or having an unwanted child.

"I don't think you really need me to tell you how," she says, aiming for wry, the words coming out sounding just a little meaner than intended. Immediately, she glances up at him apologetically for it. No matter how easy it might be to do so, it isn't fair to take this out on him when it affects the both of them, and when he has no way of knowing why this is so difficult for her. That, too, is something she really isn't looking forward to telling him about, that she thinks is going to be inevitable now. "And yeah, I'm sure. I wouldn't be telling you if I weren't."

Lee knows that he's supposed to say something reassuring right now. He's supposed to be excited or, at the very least, tell Molly that everything about this is going to be okay. Unfortunately, he doesn't know that that's the case. But knowing how things turned out last time, and knowing how he feels about Molly... he can't imagine that this will be the end of things. He doesn't want this to be the end of things, no matter how it turns out.

There's a long moment where Lee's not sure what to say. He rises to his feet, taking several steps away as he scrubs one hand over his face.

"So, what do you want to do?" he asks, turning to look at her, and trying to look less terrified at the prospect of this than he actually is.

The question alone is enough to make Molly feel like she's about to cry, mostly because she has no answer to it. There's no easy choice here, not that it was remotely easy before, and no way she can think of for things to go back to the way they were just this morning. She's completely fucking clueless, and judging by the way Lee looks, she doubts she's the only one of them for whom that's the case, something that's as daunting as it is comforting. On one hand, at least it's not just her. On the other, it would be nice to have some idea what to do from here, or at least hear that it's going to be alright, that the two of them will get through this.

"I don't know," she admits, shaking her head helplessly, and though she manages to keep it together, at least for the moment, she still can't help the way her voice breaks. "I don't think what I want really matters that much now anyway." What she wants is for them not to be in this position at all. Barring that, she doesn't have any idea, and it's not like she's the only one affected by this. "I mean... It's not just me here. At least, I hope it's not. I'm not just gonna make a decision for both of us when you didn't ask for this any more than I did."

Lee hadn't known what to do on Caprica, and even after the attack on the Colonies, after all that he's been through and all the time he's had to figure out what he should have done then, he can't land on anything now.

"What do you mean, it doesn't matter what you want? Of course, it matters," Lee says, latching on to what Molly's said, even if he knows she's right. She didn't get into this by herself, and it's not something she should have to decide on her own.

But when Lee has thought about his life in Darrow, and his life with Molly, this isn't how he's imagined it. They haven't discussed having children, and honestly, Lee's not sure what he thinks about the idea of it. There's an image of his own father flying away in a raptor permanently engrained in his memory, and the feeling that comes with it has never really gone away, not really.

He's not sure what to make of that.

"Not when the only thing I know I want is for this not to be happening at all," Molly replies, and even admitting that much makes her feel sickeningly guilty. There's no getting around the truth of it, though, and she can't see any good coming out of her trying to lie about it anyway. Maybe if Lee were excited about this, it would be different, but when that doesn't seem to be the case at all, there isn't much she can do but be upfront with him. "So unless you have some kind of time machine you haven't told me about... That's all I've got."

It's a little more complicated than that, and she knows she still needs to tell him the rest. The two situations are too intertwined now for her not to, and even if he's not thrilled about this turn of events either, he has a right to know why she feels the way she does, why they have the choices they do. She can only handle so much of this at once, though. For the moment, knowing that there's no clear solution here, and having no idea how he'll react to what else she has to say, it's too hard to work up to.

Edited 2016-01-08 01:57 (UTC)

"Yeah, well that makes two of us," Lee says, and somehow, even though he's just echoing what Molly's just said, about wishing this hadn't happened in the first place, if feels more harsh, coming from him. As much as she knows he's supposed to be supportive here, supposed to have words of reassurance for them, he can't manage to find them just yet.

Though, he realizes that Molly hasn't made a suggestion either way, for keeping it or for...

Lee suddenly remembers something he learned years ago, when he first learned to fly a viper: you either fly into the attack or you turn tail and run. Whatever either of them do here, they can't go back on it so easy.

His eyes shut, Lee grabs a fistful of his hair and is quiet for another long moment before he speaks again.

"I don't think I'm ready for this," he says.

Molly isn't really sure how she'd expected this to go, or even how she'd wanted it to. God knows it wouldn't have helped for him to be thrilled at the prospect, excited about it in a way she isn't sure it's possible for her to be. Hearing what Lee has to say about it now, though, hurts all the same, as if it's somehow her fault for putting them in this position, as if she'd somehow been able to make this happen this on purpose, on her own, as if she asked for this when it's the last fucking thing she wanted. He hasn't said anything that isn't just as true for her, but it still feels like something she did.

Or maybe that's just what happened before rearing its head again, Stephen throwing her mistakes in her face like she was the only one who made them, instead of the truth of it, Morris being equally culpable. Lee hasn't actually suggested that he thinks anything like that is the case here, and it isn't fair not to give him the benefit of the doubt. At least he's being honest with her. That's all either of them can do right now.

"I never said I was," Molly replies, with a dark, humorless laugh. "I mean, Jesus Christ, Lee, I'm twenty-four years old, I have a recent promotion, work going fucking crazy, and an election coming up. You're still in law school. We've barely been together more than a year. I don't even know if I want kids at all, and if I did... It wouldn't be now."

She has to stop to remind herself to breathe, having said more than she'd thought she would, still looking like her entire world has fallen apart. Maybe it hasn't, but whatever they do here, she has a feeling that there's going to be something irreparably broken even so. That might be the worst part of this. At least if it were just her, she could make a decision on her own and let that be that. "So... You know, we have options. We can figure something out. Okay?"

"Yeah, I just... I need to think," Lee says, and he can't look at Molly right now. Not because he thinks any of this is her fault-- he's as much a part of this as she is-- but because he's not sure he wants to see the look on her face. It's been years now since that last day he saw Gianne, but he still remembers the hopeful look on her face, and the way her expression had fallen when he'd told her he wasn't ready for what she wanted. That he wasn't ready to be what she wanted him to be.

Then, just like his old man, he'd gotten on a raptor and headed off world. But at least Lee's father had had the decency to come back every once in a while.

Maybe it's been long enough that he should have come to terms with all that by now, but he hasn't. At least not yet. And he can't get his mind off of how much he wants to leave their apartment right now, if only to get try and get his head on straight.

Mouth pressed into a thin line in an attempt to help her keep it together, Molly nods, though she knows it isn't much of a response when he isn't looking at her to see it. Right now, that hurts as much as anything else, only adding to how fucking guilty she feels about all of this. It isn't entirely on her, it can't be, but she's the one who told him and she's now the source of this problem, and it's hard not to feel the weight of that, not least when she can't get what happened before out of her head. This may not be exactly the same, but it's enough to bring back to the surface what she usually keeps so carefully buried, making this a hell of a lot harder than it might otherwise be.

She should tell him, she knows she should, but things are strained enough already, and she can't fault him for needing to think. All of this, it's a lot to take in. It doesn't make his silence any easier to take. After a long few moments of it, she can't just sit there anymore; as badly as she wants to hear that everything will be okay, that they'll get through this, it doesn't seem like that's coming, so she might as well say something herself.

"We don't need to decide anything right away," she says softly. "We have time. We can talk about it." It's the closest she'll let herself get to doing what she really wants to, begging him to talk to her, just to give her some idea of where he is with this and where they'll go from here. As it is, it's hard to picture them coming out of this okay.

"Yeah. Yeah, we've got time. Right," Lee says, and that pit of dread in his gut has only grown with each passing second, the more this sinks in, the more real the situation becomes. This whole thing is a clock that's counting down, no matter where the two of them land on this.

He thinks idly, that he should mention Gianne and that day on Caprica, the conversation on the balcony, but it doesn't seem like the time for it. It's a conversation he's put off for too long, if he was ever going to tell her about it. Now it just seems extraneous, as if he's implying something's going to happen here that he's not sure will.

Frak, he can barely figure out what he's supposed to say here, figuring out a next step seems impossible. And the idea of it almost makes him feel like he can't breathe.

"I... I need some air," he says, "I'm going to go get some air."

He's already crossing the room to find his coat before he's finished his sentence.

On one hand, Molly knows she can't, or shouldn't, blame him for wanting to get out for a little while. If she could get some space from this for even a few minutes, she'd probably take it, too, and it's not like she'd expected him just to immediately be alright with the situation they're now in. She doesn't have that option, though, and when he's said next to nothing to her, only that he doesn't want this to be happening either, it's hard not to take the idea of his leaving now a little insulting, and more than a little unsettling. It's written clearly in the stunned expression on her face, too, as she watches him cross the room, at a loss for how she's supposed to respond to something like that. She's not just going to say that it's fine when it doesn't feel fine at all, but neither does she have any desire to go picking a fight and making this worse when what she wants is not to have to deal with this on her own again.

"Do whatever you want," she finally says with a heavy sigh, voice still low, defeated and just the slightest bit bitter. When she'd rather either to ask him to stay or ask him if he's planning to come back, and knows it wouldn't be fair to do so, it's the best she's got. Besides, either one of those, she isn't sure she would want to hear the answer to. Even if it's only delaying the inevitable — and, God, she doesn't know what she'll do if that winds up being the case — she couldn't handle it just yet if he weren't, on top of everything fucking else. At least this way, she can let herself think that there's a chance he will.

He pulls on his coat, grabbing his keys, wallet and phone seemingly all at once. There's a moment where he wonders whether or not this is a bad idea, whether he needs to stay and stick this out right now, but that feeling of worry is only growing with each moment he stands there.

More encounters with cylon raiders than he can count, and this is what sends him retreating. It's not lost on him, how some people would say he's faced things that were a hell of a lot more frightening than this. But knowing that and dealing with the feeling in his gut are two different things entirely.

Striding over to the doorway, he pauses for a moment, his hand on the doorknob.

"I'll be back," Lee says, before he turns heading out the door.

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