losttheright | (no subject)

Entry tags:

lee adama

(no subject)

The awful thing is, at first, she believes him. It doesn't change how fucked up his leaving seems, or how abandoned she feels, but Lee tells her that he'll be back, and Molly doesn't have any reason not to take him at his word. Even when she gives in and lets herself break down the way she's been trying not to for what feels like an eternity — waiting just long enough, once Lee has closed the door behind him, that he should be safely down the hall and out of earshot — it's not because she thinks he's gone for good. Whatever worries she might have, they aren't really his fault, and it's not fair, or so she tells herself, to attribute them to him now. She can't blame him for being upset about this when she is, too, and everything that's happened, however far from reassuring, makes sense under the circumstances.

That's what she wants to think, anyway. For a little while, she manages it. But minutes turn too quickly into an hour, and then one hour turns into two, and the more time passes, the harder it is to trust that he'd meant what he told her. Needing some space to process this is one thing, but even so, it doesn't take hours to get some air, and to go that long without so much as a fucking word makes it seem all the more unlikely that that's actually what's happening here. Besides, it wouldn't be the first time someone said something like that without meaning it. Stephen told her he'd come back, too, and by the time he finally did, it was too fucking late. Things aren't going to end the same way this time, but knowing that makes her no less uneasy about where she and Lee stand now.

Under any other circumstances, she'd call him, or at least text, but as it is, she's not sure she could take it if she didn't get an answer. Too much of this is too familiar as it is, and she's not looking to make that any worse for herself, which is the only thing that would accomplish. She just also isn't sure, as the night wears on, how much longer she can sit around waiting for him, feeling like she's going out of her fucking mind. It's with that in mind that she goes into the bedroom and starts to get some things together, thinking she'll go stay somewhere else for the night. Halfway through doing so, though, she realizes there's no one she'd want to talk to about this, and gives it up, leaving her partly-packed bag on the bed and heading for the kitchen.

She means to just have one drink. One drink, she thinks, in a fit of desperation, can't do any real damage. She's only just found out, after all, and she'd have been drinking tonight if she hadn't taken that stupid test yet, and it's hard to imagine that making any real difference. One drink, though, as it turns out, isn't nearly enough to take her mind off everything going on, and it isn't long before one becomes several becomes what's left of their bottle of scotch, left empty on the table when she dozes off on the couch, still dressed in yesterday's clothes.

If falling asleep had been too easy, then waking up proves to be the opposite, her head pounding before she even opens her eyes. Molly hasn't been hungover like this in a while as it is, and remembering the events of the night before doesn't help at all on that front. Even then, though it should be fairly obvious that she's still there alone, judging by the fact that she's still fully dressed on the couch, a part of her can't help hoping that maybe, just maybe, Lee will have come back during the night and this will all have been one big fucking misunderstanding. One look around the apartment, and that part of her is very quickly let down. Lee's coat and keys are still gone, and everything is still where she left it the night before, from the empty bottle on the coffee table to the bag she'd started to pack before she wound up drinking instead.

From there, everything she does feels like nothing more than going through the motions. She throws up all she'd had to drink the night before in the bathroom, thinking bitterly that she's going to have to get used to doing so anyway, brushes her teeth, takes a couple aspirin and drinks some water, throws out the empty bottle and puts her glass from the night before in the sink. She's in the middle of straightening up the couch when she hears the door open, and though she knows there's really only one person it could be, she's still visibly stunned when she stops and turns to see Lee coming inside. For what at least feels like a long moment, she can't do anything but stare. Then, finally, as if she can't quite wrap her head around the fact of it, she says, "You're back."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"It sounds like you've made up your mind," Lee says, "Or at least, when it comes to most of it."

He's been operating under the assumption that this was probably happening ever since Molly told him, but to hear her phrase things that way makes the idea of it even more real. He knows there are options, here. Maybe Molly won't have an abortion, but that doesn't mean she wants to be a mother anymore than Lee thinks he wants to be a father. He's not quite sure where she stands on not keeping the baby after its been born, but the one thing Lee knows is that something like that won't be the end for him. He went through too much as a kid, not knowing when his father would come back, his and Zak's frakked up relationship with their dad as a result... he doesn't think he can put kid through any part of that.

"And like I said, I... I'm not ready for this. But I don't know if I ever will be. Gods, I don't know if anyone ever is. But... if you want to have this baby, then I'll be here for it and I'm here for you. Though... I guess that's just a long way of saying I don't think I have any idea what I want yet."

For a long few moments, Molly doesn't say anything, both because she isn't sure what she can say and because she doesn't trust herself to remain composed regardless. All of this is just so fucking hard, more so than she would have expected, even having been through this once before. She hadn't thought about it as such at the time, but at least then, there hadn't really been any decisions to make, since there'd only been one course of action. Now, it's different, and with the weight of all of this on her shoulders, and so much up in the air, or seeming to be, she doesn't know what move to make. None of them are going to make this work out well, or bring the two of them back to where they were a couple of days ago, and that's what she'd really like to be the case.

"It's not like this is something I wanted, Lee," she finally settles on, her voice quiet, though that's probably spoken for itself already. "If I thought I'd be okay if I didn't have it, then..." She trails off, not sure that's something that needs to be outright stated, when that isn't something she thinks she can do anyway. "And I'm sorry that that's the case. God, I'm sorry this is happening at all."

"No, I know," Lee says, realizing that maybe he should have kept his frakking mouth shut. Every time he thinks that he might be able to start to smooth this over, to move to a place where maybe the two of them can start to work together on this, it seems like he ends up putting his foot in his mouth instead.

"Neither of us chose this; it's not your fault, and don't for a second think that I blame you for it," he goes on to say, "And when I say I don't know what I want, I mean... well, other than us, I don't know."

If there's one thing that's remained constant here, even when Lee'd left the night before and gone to Kara's when he didn't know what else to do, it's that the last thing he's wanted is for any of this to come between himself and Molly. As much of a mess as this is, nothing's changed the way he feels about her.

Maybe Lee doesn't blame her for it, but that doesn't stop Molly from blaming herself, at least in part. She might not have asked for this any more than he did, but she's the one limiting their options now, because of her own fucked up history. If it weren't for what happened before — well, it still wouldn't be easy, and hardly ideal, but she could at least entertain the possibility of not having this baby, and be a lot more likely to be able to handle the aftermath. As it is, as awful as she feels for it, she doesn't know how she could. There's no easy way out here, no potential outcome that puts her where she really wants to be. With that being the case, all she can do is work with what she's got, and hope that, somehow, they come out of this okay.

"Yeah," she says softly, and though it sounds just a little like she's trying to convince herself of that, she's not about to argue with him now. She wants to believe it, and for the time being, that's enough. "I mean, I told you, I just want us to be okay." It's kind of a weird position to be in, realizing how much more that matters than anything else. Molly has never really been one for relationships, and certainly not as serious as this one; that's been the case for a long time now, but there have never really been other stakes. Just like it's not the time to question Lee, though, it's also not the time to shy away from this. And there's no reason why putting their relationship first in a situation like this should be a bad thing. "Or at least to know that we're going to be. Other than that, I barely know what I want, either."

"Then that's where we'll start," Lee decides, and he's thinking that maybe now that the shock of all this has worn off, they can work on solutions, ways to make it work. Especially now that they both know they're committed to making it happen. It's not nearly the same thing, but after the attack on the Colonies, that's how they survived, by making do with what they had at their disposal and hoping for the best. That's all he and Molly can do now.

"We'll start with you and me, and figure it out from there, okay?" he says, and still facing Molly, leans in to press a kiss to her forehead, "That's it for now."

Molly nods in agreement, unable to argue that, or come up with any better ideas. It'll still only be a start, it won't begin to cover all the other shit they have to figure out, but it's unquestionably what matters most. There will be time for the rest of it, anyway. Not a whole lot of it, but enough to get their bearings, and enough that they'll be able to weigh their other options after all if it turns out that this isn't going to work. As trapped as she might feel in this, at least nothing has to happen immediately.

In lieu of more of a response, she shifts enough to lean forward and wrap her arms around him, her face pressed into the space between his neck and his shoulder. For most of the last day, she's been so, so fucking angry, and she's still sure that what happened isn't something she'll be able to just forget about. Holding onto that when there's no need to, though, isn't going to do either of them any favors. Being here with him, she feels a lot better than she did trying to stay away, and it's the only way they're going to get through this.

"I love you, Lee," she finally says, the words coming out half-muffled, but clear enough.

Molly wraps her arms around him and he can't help but do the same, pulling her close. It's been a frakking crazy 24 hours for them both, but this is the important thing. And maybe at the end of it, they haven't firmly worked out any of the big things they'll have to deal with, but this is the important part. And he's not giving it up for frakking anything.

"I love you too," he says.

For a long few moments, Molly just stays there, her breathing growing slower and steadier as she gradually relaxes more against him. These past couple days, she's felt like she hasn't been able to at all, but with Lee close and the two of them having wound up where they are, the tension has finally started to drain out of her. And although with everything ahead of them, that probably won't be the case for long, it feels like all the more reason to appreciate it now.

"I'm sorry I walked away earlier," she says, a little softer, still not pulling away. "You know, I thought... I thought I needed space, or time, or whatever, but I think all I really needed was this. I think that's why I couldn't sleep, too."

"I'm sorry I left in the first place," Lee says, repeating his apology from earlier. Because maybe if he'd stayed, it wouldn't have taken them all day to get to this point. As much as neither of them are sure what happens next, or how they go on from here, at least things seem okay for now.

"Think you might be able to sleep now?" he asks, and it's strange, that the first thing he thinks is that Molly probably needs to make sure she's getting enough rest now. It's not something he worried about before. Or at least, not in the same way.

Molly nods in response to his apology, what seems like the best thing she can do. She doesn't want to say it's fine when it's not, or that she's over it when she isn't, but if nothing else, she knows he's got to mean what he's saying. Between this morning and tonight, she's given him every opportunity to leave if he wanted to, offered an out both times they've talked. He's stayed anyway, and that's what matters most. Maybe his walking out isn't something that will be so easy for her to come to terms with, but none of this was ever going to be easy in the first place. They're both here now, and they're both trying, and for now, that's enough.

"Yeah, I think so," she says. Though she doesn't know if she actually will be able to sleep, she sounds halfway there already, her voice quiet, light, and exhaustion obvious in it. "What about you?"

"I think I could give it a shot, yeah," he replies. And even if they're each going to take the day tomorrow to get their bearings, Lee still has a feeling that it could end up being a long one for both of us.

"Are you going to head back to bed?" he asks, not wanting to assume that he's clear to head back to their bedroom.

At Lee's question, Molly hesitates a moment, though not out of any real sense of uncertainty. She'd come out here in the first place with the intention of asking him to come back to bed with her, and nothing that's happened since has changed that. It's moving that she's reluctant to do, in part because she's comfortable here beside him, relaxed for the first time in nearly a day and a half, and in part because she's almost worried about what will happen if she does, like that's all it would take to shatter whatever peace they seem to have found.

"Not if you're staying out here," she says, and for a moment, feels like she could fall asleep right where she is, everything that's happened finally catching up to her. "Unless that's what you want."

Things seem about as close to okay as they're likely to get for the moment, but still, she doesn't want to take that to mean more than it actually does.

"Only if you're staying out here," Lee replies, because even though he's willing to give Molly space if she needs it, the last thing he wants now is to sleep alone again. Things between them aren't settled yet, but somehow retreating to their separate corners feels like a step in the wrong direction now.

There's a tentative peace between the two of them now, and somehow, it seems like it'll be broken if either of them dares to move from this spot.

At that, Molly smiles, just a little, her head ducking forward. "I came out here to see if you'd come back to bed with me," she says, an answer to a question that hasn't quite been posed. At least they're on the same page, though, neither wanting to go back to sleeping on their own. While she would've understood if he did, she's relieved that's not the case. If nothing else, they've managed to get somewhere here, no matter how strange everything still feels. "But I kind of don't feel like moving."

It's only half a joke. The bedroom isn't very far, and it would probably be more comfortable than staying here, but she's exhausted, even more than she'd realized, and it's surprisingly difficult to make herself want to get up.

"Then we don't move," Lee says, and even though it'll be a tight fit on the couch, it seems like the best option right now. Maybe Lee's exhausted enough that the idea of relocating seems like too much, or maybe there's a part of him that wonders if moving will somehow disrupt the fragile peace between them right now.

Either way, Lee shifts on the couch, pulling the blanket more closely around the two of them.

It's probably ridiculous, the two of them just staying here when their bedroom is just down the hall, and a lot more comfortable than their both staying on the couch will be. In a way, though, Molly is relieved by his answer. Being here is the closest she's felt to alright in a good day and a half, and between that and how tenuous everything seems right now, the two of them having only just made up, she's reluctant to want to leave this spot.

How things will be in the morning, she doesn't actually have a fucking clue. At least for now, though, they've gotten somewhere.

"At least I'm still small enough that we can both fit," she says, a weak attempt at a joke, and not just for the exhaustion evident in her voice. She shifts in turn as she does, though, so she can lie down, her back against Lee's chest, and reaches over to take his hand and pull his arm around her.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only