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Molly Stearns ([personal profile] losttheright) wrote2016-01-28 03:54 pm
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The awful thing is, at first, she believes him. It doesn't change how fucked up his leaving seems, or how abandoned she feels, but Lee tells her that he'll be back, and Molly doesn't have any reason not to take him at his word. Even when she gives in and lets herself break down the way she's been trying not to for what feels like an eternity — waiting just long enough, once Lee has closed the door behind him, that he should be safely down the hall and out of earshot — it's not because she thinks he's gone for good. Whatever worries she might have, they aren't really his fault, and it's not fair, or so she tells herself, to attribute them to him now. She can't blame him for being upset about this when she is, too, and everything that's happened, however far from reassuring, makes sense under the circumstances.

That's what she wants to think, anyway. For a little while, she manages it. But minutes turn too quickly into an hour, and then one hour turns into two, and the more time passes, the harder it is to trust that he'd meant what he told her. Needing some space to process this is one thing, but even so, it doesn't take hours to get some air, and to go that long without so much as a fucking word makes it seem all the more unlikely that that's actually what's happening here. Besides, it wouldn't be the first time someone said something like that without meaning it. Stephen told her he'd come back, too, and by the time he finally did, it was too fucking late. Things aren't going to end the same way this time, but knowing that makes her no less uneasy about where she and Lee stand now.

Under any other circumstances, she'd call him, or at least text, but as it is, she's not sure she could take it if she didn't get an answer. Too much of this is too familiar as it is, and she's not looking to make that any worse for herself, which is the only thing that would accomplish. She just also isn't sure, as the night wears on, how much longer she can sit around waiting for him, feeling like she's going out of her fucking mind. It's with that in mind that she goes into the bedroom and starts to get some things together, thinking she'll go stay somewhere else for the night. Halfway through doing so, though, she realizes there's no one she'd want to talk to about this, and gives it up, leaving her partly-packed bag on the bed and heading for the kitchen.

She means to just have one drink. One drink, she thinks, in a fit of desperation, can't do any real damage. She's only just found out, after all, and she'd have been drinking tonight if she hadn't taken that stupid test yet, and it's hard to imagine that making any real difference. One drink, though, as it turns out, isn't nearly enough to take her mind off everything going on, and it isn't long before one becomes several becomes what's left of their bottle of scotch, left empty on the table when she dozes off on the couch, still dressed in yesterday's clothes.

If falling asleep had been too easy, then waking up proves to be the opposite, her head pounding before she even opens her eyes. Molly hasn't been hungover like this in a while as it is, and remembering the events of the night before doesn't help at all on that front. Even then, though it should be fairly obvious that she's still there alone, judging by the fact that she's still fully dressed on the couch, a part of her can't help hoping that maybe, just maybe, Lee will have come back during the night and this will all have been one big fucking misunderstanding. One look around the apartment, and that part of her is very quickly let down. Lee's coat and keys are still gone, and everything is still where she left it the night before, from the empty bottle on the coffee table to the bag she'd started to pack before she wound up drinking instead.

From there, everything she does feels like nothing more than going through the motions. She throws up all she'd had to drink the night before in the bathroom, thinking bitterly that she's going to have to get used to doing so anyway, brushes her teeth, takes a couple aspirin and drinks some water, throws out the empty bottle and puts her glass from the night before in the sink. She's in the middle of straightening up the couch when she hears the door open, and though she knows there's really only one person it could be, she's still visibly stunned when she stops and turns to see Lee coming inside. For what at least feels like a long moment, she can't do anything but stare. Then, finally, as if she can't quite wrap her head around the fact of it, she says, "You're back."
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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-01-30 07:14 am (UTC)(link)
His head's killing him when he wakes up on Kara's couch the next morning. Part of it is probably because he and Starbuck drank enough for an entire squadron of Viper pilots, and the other part is because he barely got any sleep despite it. Every few hours, Lee found himself waking out of a restless sleep, his mind on Molly and their conversation last night. On a few things Kara said in between drinks.

He's frakked up here, and he knows it. Maybe he hadn't been ready for this last night, but Molly obviously hadn't been either. And Lee... he'd run, leaving her to deal with all of it.

You turn into the approach, or you turn tail and run.

Lee had chosen the second option, only to find that there's nowhere to run to. And that running is just what he'd been afraid of doing in the first place.

Kara's still asleep when Lee pulls on his coat, grabbing his things and heading out of the door. If he's lucky, Molly won't have changed the locks on their apartment door. But he's never been very lucky.

By the time Lee makes it home, his head is still pounding, and he tries to do it without making too much noise. Only, Molly's right there. She hasn't left, and he feels like the world's biggest godsdamned asshole.

"We should probably talk," he says.
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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-02-03 06:24 am (UTC)(link)
At the very least, she's speaking to him, which is more than he expected. Lee peels off his coat and drapes it over the back of the couch, expecting her to tell him to get the hell out. When it doesn't come, Lee cautiously takes a seat, frowning.

"I get that," he says, of her not feeling like talking, and knows he deserves it. She needed him to stay and he couldn't. And maybe Lee's still not sure he's prepared to deal with this, but he's sure that he's not going anywhere this time.

"You don't have to say anything. But I was hoping that maybe you'd listen?"
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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-02-13 03:10 am (UTC)(link)
She heads for the kitchen, and Lee's left sitting there on the couch. He doesn't blame her for not wanting to sit and talk; he's frakked up and they both know it. Mostly, he's just relieved right now that she's going to listen at all.

"I shouldn't have left. I frakked up and I'm sorry," Lee says, and really, they should have been the first words out of his mouth when he came through the door, but he was mostly just relieved that Molly was still there in the first place.

"I guess I just wasn't expecting it. I wasn't..." he trails off, quiet for a moment, because it's not as if this is something Molly expected either. And it's not something she can just run from. "No. That's not fair. And... I'm not here to make excuses, but there's something I haven't told you yet. I was engaged. Before Dee. Before the attack on the Colonies, before everything went to hell. A few weeks before the attack, she told me she was pregnant."

Gods, Lee doesn't even remember how long it was. Maybe even less than that. But it'd been soon enough after that he'd been ordered to fly at Galactica's decommissioning ceremony before they'd had a chance to talk again. Lee isn't sure if they ever would have, or what either of them would have said, but there's not a lot he regrets more than pushing Gianne away that day.

"We fought. Because I said I wasn't ready and... for a million other reasons. Not long after that, I was called away on assignment, the end of the worlds happened and I never saw her again. It doesn't excuse what I did. In fact, it does the opposite of that, but I figure it's about time I start coming clean, considering the circumstances."
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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-02-13 06:42 am (UTC)(link)
"I meant what I said yesterday, Molly," Lee says, and his voice is quiet, "I am not ready for this. But I'm not going anywhere."

He pauses, and all he can think of is that raptor flying away with his father on it, his mother yelling at him and Zak, the drinking. He knows that he and Molly are different people, but all he can think of is the two of them ending up there, and he doesn't want that for either of them.

"That's what my father did. He was a military man, not around a lot. He'd show up every couple of months, and then he was off on a battlestar again. I guess... I don't know, I guess all I could think about when you told me you were pregnant was that I don't want us to end up like that. And I don't want to end up like my father."

Maybe this is something he should have come clean about last night instead of leaving. Or maybe he'd needed the night to realize how close he was coming to losing everything all over again.
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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-02-16 02:43 am (UTC)(link)
"...what?" Lee asks, and it's not the fact that she admits that she's not sure she wants it that gives him pause. It's the same way he feels, even now, even after realizing that this isn't something he can just run from. Though, considering what he's kept from her... Gianne, and Dee before, it's not as if he can hold it against her. He just never really imagined that this was something she'd been through before.

It's big. And personal, he supposes.

Lee stands, walking to the kitchen to join Molly there. He knows she's still pissed at him, but even knowing that, he can't resist the urge to grab her hand when he gets close enough to, even though she's staring at the floor.

"Molly, what do you mean, you've been through this before?"
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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-02-17 04:18 am (UTC)(link)
"Gods," Lee says, and it's a lot to take in. They've both been on their respective sides of this before, and if he'd known, then there's a good chance he wouldn't have left last night. But as it is, knowing now can't take back the fact that he ran out on her and spent the night drinking with Kara. It sure as hell doesn't do anything for his pounding hangover.

It's not something he can fault her for, though. Not considering his own past, what he and Kara did to Dee and Anders back when they were with the fleet. Kara in Darrow might not remember it, but Lee does. The guilt he felt about it every day. For him, maybe it was something worse than what Molly did, though. Because at the time, it had meant something to him. It had been a big deal. But the two of them had gotten out of it easy, all things considered.

"I'm sorry," he says again, "I... I didn't know."
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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-02-17 09:58 pm (UTC)(link)
"And I don't know if I have one for you," Lee says, though he wishes he could say definitively that he wouldn't have left. What's done is done now. You make your mistakes and you live with them. You learn from them. In that moment, he's reminded of President Roslin and the Olympic Carrier, of that slip of paper she kept in her pocket to remember her mistakes.

"I wish I'd given you a chance to tell me."

He'd left to clear his head and try to get a grasp on all of this, but even after spending all night out, and basically getting his ass handed to him by Kara, he's still not completely sure where he stands.

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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-02-18 06:09 am (UTC)(link)
For a while, Lee had tried to get some work done. He'd been in the middle of reading for lectures the night before, when Molly had given him the news. But after reading the same sentence five times without retaining any of it, he'd decided to give up. He's not going to be able to focus on anything but Molly, but the possibility of a baby, and it's frakking crazy to even try to.

Everything's frakked. He's not sure where he and Molly stand, they haven't talked about where they go from here. It's pretty difficult to get a good night's sleep with that hanging over his head.

So as it is, even though he's brought a pillow and blanket into the living room and has made a bed on the couch, he hasn't slept more than a few minutes all night. He's already awake when he hears Molly's voice, and when he looks over to see her silhouetted in the dark doorway to the hall.

"Yeah," he says, and he sits up in the dark, "Me neither."
Edited 2016-02-18 06:13 (UTC)
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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-02-18 07:05 am (UTC)(link)
Lee doesn't expect the question. Actually, he hadn't expected to see Molly at all tonight, her seemingly content for the two of them to spend the night apart. He feels equal parts relieved that she's as not okay with all of this as he is, and guilty that he didn't go to her first. But she'd given him the impression that she needed space earlier, when she'd left him standing in the kitchen after their conversation.

"Yeah," he says again, and he shifts on the couch to make room, lifting up the blanket in case she wants to join him under it, "Yeah, of course."

It's strange, how stilted things are, now he's not sure what he should and shouldn't say just now. It's only been like this between them once before, and that was for much happier reasons than this.
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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-02-19 03:49 am (UTC)(link)
Considering how little Lee managed to sleep at Kara's, despite how much the two of them had to drink, he's surprised that he didn't drift off to sleep easily. He's exhausted, but his mind has been racing ever since the day before.

"I don't think I was gonna get much sleep anyway," he admits. There's too much running through his head, too much he's trying to work through. And it's not as if he's ever going to be able to figure it out on his own anyway.

Molly sits next to him, and Lee hesitates for a moment before he wraps one arm around her shoulders.
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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-02-19 06:46 am (UTC)(link)
"It's not your fault," Lee says. Sure, she'd left him standing in the kitchen earlier, but he'd done the leaving first. At least he hadn't had to wonder whether or not she was coming back, considering Molly hadn't left the apartment since they'd last spoken.

"None of it," he clarifies, though he's not sure if Molly blames herself for what they're going through. Maybe she doesn't, but just in case, he figures it's probably a good idea to make that clear. He's as much a part of this as she is, even if it might seem like it'd be easy for him to just disappear and be done with it.

He's tried to live with guilt before, and even if he did want to leave, he's sure that he'd never be able to look at his own face in the mirror again.
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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-02-24 06:20 am (UTC)(link)
Strangely enough, it's not them he's worried about. At least, not long term. It's a frakking difficult situation that they're in now, miles away from where they were just two days ago, but it doesn't mean he feels any differently about Molly than before. It's something new they're going to have to figure out how to navigate, but he's willing to go through it, no matter where it might take them.

"We'll... we'll figure it out," Lee says, "It'll be alright."

He doesn't know how it'll be alright yet, but that's where the figuring it out comes in, he thinks.
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[personal profile] adifferentpath 2016-02-25 07:30 am (UTC)(link)
Even having said the words to Molly, Lee's still not completely sure he means them. It's a situation neither of them are prepared for. Not emotionally, not financially, and he doesn't have a frakking clue how they're going to make it work. But if there's one thing about the two of them, they're both good with making plans, with strategizing. And maybe this isn't a mayoral campaign or an Op, but once they've got their heads on straight, Lee's hoping that they can work together to try and figure out what they do next.

"Yeah," Lee says, and can't help but let out a quiet huff of a laugh too, "Here we are. Wherever this is."

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