losttheright | (no subject)

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lee adama

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The awful thing is, at first, she believes him. It doesn't change how fucked up his leaving seems, or how abandoned she feels, but Lee tells her that he'll be back, and Molly doesn't have any reason not to take him at his word. Even when she gives in and lets herself break down the way she's been trying not to for what feels like an eternity — waiting just long enough, once Lee has closed the door behind him, that he should be safely down the hall and out of earshot — it's not because she thinks he's gone for good. Whatever worries she might have, they aren't really his fault, and it's not fair, or so she tells herself, to attribute them to him now. She can't blame him for being upset about this when she is, too, and everything that's happened, however far from reassuring, makes sense under the circumstances.

That's what she wants to think, anyway. For a little while, she manages it. But minutes turn too quickly into an hour, and then one hour turns into two, and the more time passes, the harder it is to trust that he'd meant what he told her. Needing some space to process this is one thing, but even so, it doesn't take hours to get some air, and to go that long without so much as a fucking word makes it seem all the more unlikely that that's actually what's happening here. Besides, it wouldn't be the first time someone said something like that without meaning it. Stephen told her he'd come back, too, and by the time he finally did, it was too fucking late. Things aren't going to end the same way this time, but knowing that makes her no less uneasy about where she and Lee stand now.

Under any other circumstances, she'd call him, or at least text, but as it is, she's not sure she could take it if she didn't get an answer. Too much of this is too familiar as it is, and she's not looking to make that any worse for herself, which is the only thing that would accomplish. She just also isn't sure, as the night wears on, how much longer she can sit around waiting for him, feeling like she's going out of her fucking mind. It's with that in mind that she goes into the bedroom and starts to get some things together, thinking she'll go stay somewhere else for the night. Halfway through doing so, though, she realizes there's no one she'd want to talk to about this, and gives it up, leaving her partly-packed bag on the bed and heading for the kitchen.

She means to just have one drink. One drink, she thinks, in a fit of desperation, can't do any real damage. She's only just found out, after all, and she'd have been drinking tonight if she hadn't taken that stupid test yet, and it's hard to imagine that making any real difference. One drink, though, as it turns out, isn't nearly enough to take her mind off everything going on, and it isn't long before one becomes several becomes what's left of their bottle of scotch, left empty on the table when she dozes off on the couch, still dressed in yesterday's clothes.

If falling asleep had been too easy, then waking up proves to be the opposite, her head pounding before she even opens her eyes. Molly hasn't been hungover like this in a while as it is, and remembering the events of the night before doesn't help at all on that front. Even then, though it should be fairly obvious that she's still there alone, judging by the fact that she's still fully dressed on the couch, a part of her can't help hoping that maybe, just maybe, Lee will have come back during the night and this will all have been one big fucking misunderstanding. One look around the apartment, and that part of her is very quickly let down. Lee's coat and keys are still gone, and everything is still where she left it the night before, from the empty bottle on the coffee table to the bag she'd started to pack before she wound up drinking instead.

From there, everything she does feels like nothing more than going through the motions. She throws up all she'd had to drink the night before in the bathroom, thinking bitterly that she's going to have to get used to doing so anyway, brushes her teeth, takes a couple aspirin and drinks some water, throws out the empty bottle and puts her glass from the night before in the sink. She's in the middle of straightening up the couch when she hears the door open, and though she knows there's really only one person it could be, she's still visibly stunned when she stops and turns to see Lee coming inside. For what at least feels like a long moment, she can't do anything but stare. Then, finally, as if she can't quite wrap her head around the fact of it, she says, "You're back."

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Even with the way Lee puts it, saying of course like it's something that should speak for itself, his answer still comes as something of a surprise, and Molly doesn't entirely know why. He left last night, sure, but he's been here since the morning, even after having had every opportunity to leave again if he wanted to. She walked away earlier, but she'd been hurt, unable to just move on as easily as that. Still, it couldn't have helped matters any. This whole thing, it seems, is a fucking mess, and she's not sure how to change that, when the situation they're in isn't something that will just go away.

Not staying away now might be a start, though. She remains visibly a little cautious as she crosses the room, but takes a seat on the couch beside him, tucked under the blanket. Already it's tempting just to lean into him, but she doesn't know where the lines are or aren't between them now, and doesn't want to cross one. He'd reached for her hand this morning, though, and she does the same now, fingers curling around his. It's something.

"Thanks," she says, though it occurs to her that she shouldn't need to thank her own fucking boyfriend for letting her sit next to him. "I'm glad I didn't wake you up."

Considering how little Lee managed to sleep at Kara's, despite how much the two of them had to drink, he's surprised that he didn't drift off to sleep easily. He's exhausted, but his mind has been racing ever since the day before.

"I don't think I was gonna get much sleep anyway," he admits. There's too much running through his head, too much he's trying to work through. And it's not as if he's ever going to be able to figure it out on his own anyway.

Molly sits next to him, and Lee hesitates for a moment before he wraps one arm around her shoulders.

Though maybe it shouldn't be, the arm around her shoulders is unexpected, and for just a moment, it's too overwhelming for Molly to do anything about. This is all she'd really wanted when she talked to him last night. It might not be that simple now, with everything that's happened since she told him, since he came back this morning, but it's the first thing since she took that stupid fucking test yesterday that's felt the least bit right at all. Being here now, it doesn't change or fix the situation they're in. She's no less uncertain about what to do, or how to get over his having left yesterday. If there's one thing she does know, though, it's that she doesn't want to do this without him if she doesn't have to, and keeping Lee at a distance hasn't helped anything.

She shifts closer, then, leaning into him like she'd wanted to when she first sat down, her head resting on his shoulder. "Yeah," she says quietly. "Kind of hard to, given all this." She pauses, sighing. "And I probably didn't help anything."

Edited 2016-02-19 05:59 (UTC)

"It's not your fault," Lee says. Sure, she'd left him standing in the kitchen earlier, but he'd done the leaving first. At least he hadn't had to wonder whether or not she was coming back, considering Molly hadn't left the apartment since they'd last spoken.

"None of it," he clarifies, though he's not sure if Molly blames herself for what they're going through. Maybe she doesn't, but just in case, he figures it's probably a good idea to make that clear. He's as much a part of this as she is, even if it might seem like it'd be easy for him to just disappear and be done with it.

He's tried to live with guilt before, and even if he did want to leave, he's sure that he'd never be able to look at his own face in the mirror again.

Logically speaking, Molly knows that's true. She didn't ask to wind up pregnant, and she's not the one who took off last night. Still, it's hard not to feel, in a way, like she's the root of this problem, as terrible as she feels for thinking about it as one in the first place, and she still could have handled this morning better. All things considered, she was probably justified in pulling away, and she can't pretend that a part of her isn't angry even now. As much as she might have thought she needed not to be around him, though, it's apparent enough now, or seems to be, that she didn't do either of them any favors by walking away earlier.

"Maybe not," she says, shrugging as best she can without dislodging his arm from around her shoulders. "But I still..." She trails off, left with any number of ways she could finish that sentence, none of them quite right. "I just want us to be okay, Lee."

Strangely enough, it's not them he's worried about. At least, not long term. It's a frakking difficult situation that they're in now, miles away from where they were just two days ago, but it doesn't mean he feels any differently about Molly than before. It's something new they're going to have to figure out how to navigate, but he's willing to go through it, no matter where it might take them.

"We'll... we'll figure it out," Lee says, "It'll be alright."

He doesn't know how it'll be alright yet, but that's where the figuring it out comes in, he thinks.

As much as she wishes it weren't the case, Molly isn't sure, having Lee tell her that it'll be alright, whether he actually thinks so or not. For that matter, she doesn't even know if she believes it herself. With everything that's happened over the last day and a half, it's hard to imagine an outcome where that's actually the case. This is all too fucked up for that, and she doesn't know how to put the pieces back together, or how they'll ever get back to any semblance of normalcy.

Sitting here, though, curled against him in the dark, she doesn't much care if he means it, or if it's true. Just hearing him say so is enough for her. It's all she'd really wanted in the first place, before he walked out and everything went from bad to a lot fucking worse. Maybe it doesn't make quite as much difference now, but that's something she can deal with later.

"God, I wish you could've told me that before," she says, laughing helplessly into his shoulder, the sound almost a sob, though her eyes stay mercifully dry. She doubts she needs to specify that she means before he left; that seems like something that will speak for itself. "But here we are, I guess."

Even having said the words to Molly, Lee's still not completely sure he means them. It's a situation neither of them are prepared for. Not emotionally, not financially, and he doesn't have a frakking clue how they're going to make it work. But if there's one thing about the two of them, they're both good with making plans, with strategizing. And maybe this isn't a mayoral campaign or an Op, but once they've got their heads on straight, Lee's hoping that they can work together to try and figure out what they do next.

"Yeah," Lee says, and can't help but let out a quiet huff of a laugh too, "Here we are. Wherever this is."

"Well, wherever it is, I'm... I'm really glad you're here," Molly says quietly, tipping her head up just enough that she can look at him. In light of everything else, it's been too easy to lose sight of that fact, but now that she's settled down some after last night and this past morning, she doesn't want to. He still left before, and a part of her is still really fucking upset about that, and, hell, there's every chance he'll change his mind at some point and decide he can't be here after all. For the time being, though, he's stayed, despite having had every opportunity to leave again and her offering him an out earlier. It doesn't take away what happened, but especially knowing that walking out was his instinct when she first told him about this, it's more significant that he's stayed this time. "I know it might not have seemed like it, but I am."

Edited 2016-02-25 09:04 (UTC)

"I'm glad I came back," Lee replies.

Molly tips her head up to look at him, and despite what they've been through in the past day, Lee leans over to press a kiss to her forehead, holding her just a little tighter. Not that there was anywhere he could have feasibly gone— his viper, stashed away, won't fly or even break atmo— but as difficult as this is going to be, he'd rather be right where he is than running from this.

You turn tail and run or you turn into the approach. Lee's made his decision and he's sticking with it.

He's quiet for a long moment before letting out a quiet sigh.

"Do you think there's any chance you can take a couple of days off, while we figure this out?" he asks.

Molly lets her eyes fall shut for a moment when Lee kisses her forehead, something in her chest pulling tight with an emotion she can't quite put a name to. She's got too many of them to make sense of right now as it is, which is probably only going to be increasingly the case going forward. Relief might just be chief among them, though. Everything is still completely fucked, and she's not sure how awkward things might go back to being come morning, but at least he's here. At least, for the time being, things feel about as close to alright as they're likely to get, until they've made a little more sense of what this means and where they'll go from here.

"I should be able to, yeah," she answers, nodding. Everything at work is still pretty crazy, but less so than it was a few weeks ago, and at least there's still a couple months before the election. With all she's been doing of late, she thinks they should be able to spare her for a few days. "I'll... I can call in sick. And if anyone really needs me, they'll know how to reach me."

She hasn't actually thought that far ahead until now — or, at least, hasn't considered that option — but it makes the most sense, with everything she and Lee have to sort out, including just between the two of them. Briefly, she considers asking if he'll be alright missing class, but figures he wouldn't have brought it up if that weren't the case. Instead, when she continues, her voice is lower, her gaze not quite meeting his, though she stays just as close, still leaning into him. "I didn't know if you were. Coming back."

The way he's phrased it, she almost has to wonder if there was a point when he wasn't going to, but it doesn't seem worth asking about. He did, and she's already spent enough time worrying about the other possibilities.

The truth of the matter is, despite there not being anywhere to run to, Lee hadn't been sure at first either. He hadn't known where the hell he was even going when he left their apartment, only sure that he needed time to think. He hadn't even known how much time that was going to take. Maybe it had been Kara giving him a kick in the ass that had sent him back to Molly, or maybe it had been figuring out his own frakking stupidity on his own, but even not knowing where they go from here, he's glad that he did.

He realizes, though, that now probably isn't the time to tell Molly what he'd considered.

"Well, I'm here now," Lee says, and he's not sure what that's worth, but it's all he's got so far. "I'm not going anywhere, and we can start to figure this all out tomorrow."

"Yeah," Molly agrees, nodding once more, though even just that is a somewhat difficult response to give. He is here now, and that counts for a hell of a lot, but just like when he'd first said it earlier, it isn't enough for her to fully believe him when he says he isn't going anywhere. Neither is the fact that she feels sick with guilt over not being able to. Nothing good would come from saying so, though, and if only for the time being, she's too unwilling to disrupt this tenuous peace to risk it. They can talk about any of that shit later. Right now, after a long night on her own and an equally long day spent mostly keeping a distance, all she wants is to stay put, curled up at Lee's side with his arm around her, the closest to alright she's felt since she found out about this. That she doesn't know if that will still be the case in the morning is all the more reason to stay put tonight.

She looks up at him for another moment, then lets her head rest on his shoulder again. "I guess there'd be no point in trying to do any of that tonight. I don't know about you, but I'm fucking exhausted."

"Yeah, me too, actually," Lee says, though he knows that he has no reason to be. He's seen exhaustion, been up for days at a time on approach after approach with only stims and frakking stubbornness keeping him upright. But this is something different. This is over a day of running the same scenarios over and over again in his head, realizing that the only way out of this was for the two of them to figure it out together.

"And considering how frakking crazy it's been for both of us so far this year, I think that's saying something."

Him with school, her with the sideshow the Mayor's office had become since New Year's Eve.

"God, and it's only going to get crazier," Molly says with a sigh, the thought one she can't dwell on for more than a few moments. Not all that long ago, she'd been more excited than anything else about the upcoming election, this being the first year she'll be so involved in the Mayor's campaign. Now, the very idea of it makes her want to cry, and she did enough of that this morning. God knows it'll just be a matter of time before something sets her off again anyway, between everything they have to deal with and stupid hormonal bullshit. That's just one more thing not to look forward to, in a list that's longer than she can wrap her head around.

Though she's tempted just to ask him to come back to bed with her now, when it seems like they're doing alright enough for it, she isn't yet willing to move away from him like she would have to in order to get up and walk to the bedroom. She stays where she is instead, unable to help but be struck by how wrong she'd been about what she needed when she walked away this morning. "You sure you want to stick around for that? I know what you said, but... I guess I just need you to know that I won't hold it against you if you don't. I get it."

Lee pauses for a second before answering, and sighs. Maybe he's been through frakking crazy before, but he knows that he doesn't have much of an idea of how things are going to get for them. This is entirely new territory, even though he's seen people go through it. He can't imagine what things are going to be like in six months, or in a year, or in five years, if either of them are still in Darrow after that long.

Even so, he intends to keep his word, at least, to the best of his abilities.

It's comfortable there on the couch, with Molly's head resting on his shoulder, but he shifts so he can look at her, gently resting one hand against the curve of her face.

"I said I'm here," Lee repeats, "And I promise, I'm not going anywhere. Doesn't matter how bad it gets. I'm not going to make the same mistake again. Not with you."

There are about half a dozen responses on the tip of her tongue, and Molly can't bring herself to give voice to any of them. She wants to know what makes her so different, why she's worth sticking around for; it wouldn't change anything now, but a part of her can't help wondering if he would have stayed in the first place if she'd asked him to like she thought about doing. She still feels a little like she should reiterate the fact that she doesn't want him to be here only out of some sense of obligation, but she's too worried that doing so might give the wrong impression. Besides, she's got to try to start trusting him again at some point. Taking him at his word is still uncomfortably difficult with the way last night went, but if he's making an effort, then she should, too.

She doesn't want to ruin this, anyway, when she doesn't know how stilted things might go back to being before long, and when she really does want him here. If she has to deal with this on her own, then she will, but she'd rather have Lee with her. It wouldn't make sense, losing him over something she never wanted in the first place.

"Okay," she says quietly, instinctively leaning into his touch, and on a whim, turns her head just enough to press her lips to the base of his palm. "Okay. I... I just needed to say it. You know, I don't want you to stay because you feel like you have to and us to wind up hating each other in five months." She pauses a moment, then adds, visibly self-conscious, "But I do want you to stay."

"Then I'm staying," Lee says, because even though he knows he'd argue it until they were both red in the face over it, if Molly really wanted him to go, he would. Lee frakked up, and that's on him, but he knows how hard this is going to be on the two of them. He can't imagine her going through it alone.

"And not because I feel like I have to. Because I want to. But that doesn't mean we're not going to hate each other in five months anyway."

Not that he's ever been through something like this before, at least, not anything beyond this. Though, it's then that the way Molly's phrased it sinks in.

"So... does that mean you think you've figured out what you want to do here?" he asks.

"No," Molly says instinctively, and shakes her head, nothing short of helpless. "I mean, sort of? But not really." It's different, she thinks, figuring out what she doesn't want to do, but it's a difficult thing to try to explain, or to work up to saying outright. What she told him this morning is the most she's said about it in a long time, and even then, it's at least a little easier to keep it part of the past. In terms of the present, it's a different story entirely, and something that she doesn't know how to put into words in the first place. She hadn't thought she'd ever need to figure it out. And with everything else that's been going through her head since she first got that positive test, she hasn't really had a chance to get to this.

She doesn't pull away, but she looks down, gaze fixed on the blanket over them rather than on Lee. "I just know that I can't... do what I did before," she says, hoping that will be clear enough. "I can't go through that again. But as for what I want..." She shrugs, a gesture that looks as uncertain as she feels. "That's about as close as I've gotten. And you do get a say in this, too."

"It sounds like you've made up your mind," Lee says, "Or at least, when it comes to most of it."

He's been operating under the assumption that this was probably happening ever since Molly told him, but to hear her phrase things that way makes the idea of it even more real. He knows there are options, here. Maybe Molly won't have an abortion, but that doesn't mean she wants to be a mother anymore than Lee thinks he wants to be a father. He's not quite sure where she stands on not keeping the baby after its been born, but the one thing Lee knows is that something like that won't be the end for him. He went through too much as a kid, not knowing when his father would come back, his and Zak's frakked up relationship with their dad as a result... he doesn't think he can put kid through any part of that.

"And like I said, I... I'm not ready for this. But I don't know if I ever will be. Gods, I don't know if anyone ever is. But... if you want to have this baby, then I'll be here for it and I'm here for you. Though... I guess that's just a long way of saying I don't think I have any idea what I want yet."

For a long few moments, Molly doesn't say anything, both because she isn't sure what she can say and because she doesn't trust herself to remain composed regardless. All of this is just so fucking hard, more so than she would have expected, even having been through this once before. She hadn't thought about it as such at the time, but at least then, there hadn't really been any decisions to make, since there'd only been one course of action. Now, it's different, and with the weight of all of this on her shoulders, and so much up in the air, or seeming to be, she doesn't know what move to make. None of them are going to make this work out well, or bring the two of them back to where they were a couple of days ago, and that's what she'd really like to be the case.

"It's not like this is something I wanted, Lee," she finally settles on, her voice quiet, though that's probably spoken for itself already. "If I thought I'd be okay if I didn't have it, then..." She trails off, not sure that's something that needs to be outright stated, when that isn't something she thinks she can do anyway. "And I'm sorry that that's the case. God, I'm sorry this is happening at all."

"No, I know," Lee says, realizing that maybe he should have kept his frakking mouth shut. Every time he thinks that he might be able to start to smooth this over, to move to a place where maybe the two of them can start to work together on this, it seems like he ends up putting his foot in his mouth instead.

"Neither of us chose this; it's not your fault, and don't for a second think that I blame you for it," he goes on to say, "And when I say I don't know what I want, I mean... well, other than us, I don't know."

If there's one thing that's remained constant here, even when Lee'd left the night before and gone to Kara's when he didn't know what else to do, it's that the last thing he's wanted is for any of this to come between himself and Molly. As much of a mess as this is, nothing's changed the way he feels about her.

Maybe Lee doesn't blame her for it, but that doesn't stop Molly from blaming herself, at least in part. She might not have asked for this any more than he did, but she's the one limiting their options now, because of her own fucked up history. If it weren't for what happened before — well, it still wouldn't be easy, and hardly ideal, but she could at least entertain the possibility of not having this baby, and be a lot more likely to be able to handle the aftermath. As it is, as awful as she feels for it, she doesn't know how she could. There's no easy way out here, no potential outcome that puts her where she really wants to be. With that being the case, all she can do is work with what she's got, and hope that, somehow, they come out of this okay.

"Yeah," she says softly, and though it sounds just a little like she's trying to convince herself of that, she's not about to argue with him now. She wants to believe it, and for the time being, that's enough. "I mean, I told you, I just want us to be okay." It's kind of a weird position to be in, realizing how much more that matters than anything else. Molly has never really been one for relationships, and certainly not as serious as this one; that's been the case for a long time now, but there have never really been other stakes. Just like it's not the time to question Lee, though, it's also not the time to shy away from this. And there's no reason why putting their relationship first in a situation like this should be a bad thing. "Or at least to know that we're going to be. Other than that, I barely know what I want, either."

"Then that's where we'll start," Lee decides, and he's thinking that maybe now that the shock of all this has worn off, they can work on solutions, ways to make it work. Especially now that they both know they're committed to making it happen. It's not nearly the same thing, but after the attack on the Colonies, that's how they survived, by making do with what they had at their disposal and hoping for the best. That's all he and Molly can do now.

"We'll start with you and me, and figure it out from there, okay?" he says, and still facing Molly, leans in to press a kiss to her forehead, "That's it for now."

Molly nods in agreement, unable to argue that, or come up with any better ideas. It'll still only be a start, it won't begin to cover all the other shit they have to figure out, but it's unquestionably what matters most. There will be time for the rest of it, anyway. Not a whole lot of it, but enough to get their bearings, and enough that they'll be able to weigh their other options after all if it turns out that this isn't going to work. As trapped as she might feel in this, at least nothing has to happen immediately.

In lieu of more of a response, she shifts enough to lean forward and wrap her arms around him, her face pressed into the space between his neck and his shoulder. For most of the last day, she's been so, so fucking angry, and she's still sure that what happened isn't something she'll be able to just forget about. Holding onto that when there's no need to, though, isn't going to do either of them any favors. Being here with him, she feels a lot better than she did trying to stay away, and it's the only way they're going to get through this.

"I love you, Lee," she finally says, the words coming out half-muffled, but clear enough.